I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
