Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
