Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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