If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
