I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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