I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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