my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
