you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
