i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
