p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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