Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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