Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
