hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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