weddingsv make me drug and hornr
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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