I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
