Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
