its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Too much gin, very little bucket
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
