I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
