U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
