I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
