My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
thus making me awesome and them whores
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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