If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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