Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
