I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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