Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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