I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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