Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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