good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
