i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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