im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
