At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
