He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
