I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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