I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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