Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize