New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
