I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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