You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
