I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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