You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
porn star boner night. come get it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
