I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
