I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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