I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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