Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You dont lie about slip and slides
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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