Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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