mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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