I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
