Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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