I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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