WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
