all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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