I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
