this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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