I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
