that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
