Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
