just tell him i said nine months
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
