I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
