i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize