so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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