I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
