and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
