I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
