as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
