thus making me awesome and them whores
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
