I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
