We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize