I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
