apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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