none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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